Christmas Feelings

 Merry Christmas to one and all! 

I hope everyone is having some peace today as they celebrate (or don't) Christmas. However, I realize that Christmas is not always jolly and bright, and I, too, have mixed emotions. Below is a post I wrote about missing my mother that sums up my jumbled feelings on this joyous day.

Christmas Smiles

My mother, last Christmas

Tears flow easily these days. I miss my mother. I have always heard that the holidays are especially hard when you have lost someone, but I've never really experienced it like this. It's taken me by surprise, because in my logical mind, I thought I would be thinking about all the special Christmases I had with her and feeling sad. But logic is not necessarily at work here. It's not the Christmases I miss. I miss the emotional connection.

My mother had dementia and slowly left us over the years in many ways. It was discouraging and sad to watch, but no matter what her outward appearance was, I always felt a connection between us during my visits. Towards the end, she was usually quiet, often with a distant stare. But then I'd say something, and there would be a little glint in her eye or a slight smile, and I knew that she was communicating in the way that was available to her at that point in her life.  We were connecting, and it made me happy. Before I experienced the last couple of years with my mother, I never would have thought that those difficult times would be the ones I missed the most. But for now, they are.

However, life goes on no matter what the circumstances, and this grief is not consuming my life. It's just a part of it. I am happily preparing for Christmas. I am ahead this year in many things and feeling more relaxed than usual. I am enjoying the Christmas lights and the Christmas music. I am having good times with my sisters and friends. Ward and I are having long talks and making fun plans.

With all of those things, I'm trying to live what my mother taught me up until the end of her life. She kept living even when it seemed to the outside world that life wasn't worth it. So as I think of her little smiles, I smile, too. Through the tears.