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| My mother, last Christmas |
My mother had dementia and slowly left us over the years in many ways. It was discouraging and sad to watch, but no matter what her outward appearance was, I always felt a connection between us during my visits. Towards the end, she was usually quiet, often with a distant stare. But then I'd say something and there would be a little glint in her eye or a slight smile and I knew that she was communicating in the way that was available to her at that point in her life. We were connecting and it made me happy. Before I experienced the last couple of years with my mother, I never would have thought that those difficult times would be the ones I missed the most. But for now, they are.
However life goes on no matter what the circumstances and this grief is not consuming my life. It's just a part of it. I am happily preparing for Christmas. I am ahead this year in many things and feeling more relaxed than normal. I am enjoying the Christmas lights and the Christmas music. I am having good times with my sisters and friends. Ward and I are having long talks and making fun plans.
With all of those things, I'm trying to live what my mother taught me up until the end of her life. She kept living even when it seemed to the outside world life wasn't worth it. So as I think of her little smiles, I smile, too. Through the tears.
That was beautiful, June. Thank you for telling us about your special relationship with your mom.
ReplyDeleteShe's been on my mind a lot recently, so I thought I would share.
DeleteWhat a lovely tribute to your mother and your love for her. I am understanding more and more the loss dementia brings.
ReplyDeleteI know you are understanding that dementia is often a very difficult thing to deal with. For me, as soon as I gave in and realized that my mother had no control and that I could not fix it, I coped better.
DeleteI sending positive vibes your way. I know you need them.
Anne, my father also had dementia. It's a very hard road to travel and my heart goes out to you.
DeleteThank both of you.For some crazy reason I thought the progression was constant. Now I see the progression is fast and furious. For Mom it is scary because she is still with it enough to realize she is forgetting things, until she forgets she is forgetting things.
DeleteShe seems to have periods of total clarity which then dissolve into a puddle of confusion.
In the beginning, variance between the good days and the bad days are difficult. My cousin, who has had a difficult relationship with her mother, wonders sometimes if some manipulation is going on. I don't think so. It's just hard to understand for her. However, as time goes on, you are thankful for any clear times you get. That's how it was for me anyway.
DeleteAlso, when the person realizes that they are losing it, is very difficult. They are scared and this is often when mean behavior comes out. My mother didn't go through this, but my father did. He said and did things that were surprising to everyone because they were so unlike his personality. However, this passed and soon he was back to his old personality. He couldn't do a lot of things, but he was still the person we knew.
Good luck.
The progression varies with each person and it can be unpredictable. One of the most heartbreaking moments of my life was when my dad told me how hard the dementia was for him. He was aware enough to know he was getting more confused. It's hard to know how to react and sometimes you will feel frustrated or impatient--don't beat yourself up about that! Try to take care of yourself (I know, I know, easier said than done!!!).
Delete(((HUGS))) Live and Learn. Your love for your mother is so evident in your post. My mother, too, had the beginnings of dementia towards the end of her life. I cried the day she asked me who I was. Continue to smile through your tears. I'm sure that's what your mother would have wanted you to do.
ReplyDeleteI learned to always introduce myself to my mother in case she was having a hard time recalling exactly who I was. I would say something like, "Hello, Mother, look, Daughter #3 is here to visit and I brought Ward with me." I'd make a silly production out of it which is what I would have done before she got dementia. I truly believe she always knew who I was, if not on a superficial level, then on a deeper emotional level.
DeleteBut it's all hard as you know. Heartbreaking at times. Hugs right back to you, Bless.
I'm so sorry. Life can be lonely and losing an anchor we've felt if not relied on, during storms we encounter, that dates to our beginning, is so tough. Tossing on the open sea alone. You are the anchor now for many others in your life and that's a heavy obligation in life. Oh brother, I'm really carrying this comparison too far. What I'm trying to say is I know the grief, the free falling, and I'm with you in my heart.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Strayer. Make all of the comparisons you want. What you say always makes a lot of sense to me and gives me things to think about that are comforting.
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