Christmas comes with so many emotions, and most of the time, they are all jumbled up. At least, that's the way it is for me. That may be why I'm having difficulty finding a focus for this post.
Holidays always bring up memories of those who are no longer with us, and for me, that also makes me think about my own mortality. Pretty heavy thoughts for a supposed joyous season. Also, I've been thinking about a past Christmas when we moved my mother to a nursing home just before Christmas. It was the right thing to do because, even with two caregivers, she couldn't be managed at home. But it also meant to me that was where she was going to die. That took me a long time to adjust to. Granted, she had another 2 1/2, mostly good years after that move, but I didn't know that then.
But I'm also thinking about my childhood Christmases and the magic that they held. I loved the anticipation, and my mother made them special. Another time, I'll tell you about that. Then, I'm thinking about the Christmases we spent in Texas without any family around and how we're lucky that we can now visit with some of both Ward's and my families.
I am thinking about troubled family members who will be spending this Christmas alone.
I've just scratched the surface of my busy mind. I think it's time to move on to the here and now.
We are organized this Christmas, and it hasn't been very stressful. (Stress comes from everyday stuff like bank mistakes and leaking pipes) We've made and bought all of our gifts and have them wrapped. We've delivered cookies to the neighbors, candy to my coworkers, and have goody bags ready for all of Ward's family. We've been enjoying our Christmas tree and other decorations. Tonight, my sisters and families are coming over for dinner and gift exchanges. We've hit the easy button and are going to order Chinese. It's all good.
Despite all of that, I've felt a malaise. That was until last night when Ward, Wally, and I drove around and looked at Christmas lights. While we discussed our favorites, we played Christmas music and sang along with the familiar carols. That little outing made me happy.
It just occurred to me. I think I know the purpose of this post. Last night was special because I was in the moment. I wasn't preparing or anticipating anything. I was just enjoying the beautiful lights and singing. Hopefully, this epiphany will help me remember that "The present is the present."
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
(The guests are arriving. No time to add pictures.)
