My mother died last Monday. It was time. An infection had taken over her body and she died peacefully in her sleep. Since then it's been a whirlwind of activities and emotions filling every minute. I will be processing this for a long time, but today I've been thinking about one thing in particular. My mother gave us the final gift of letting us have a service for her.
It seems that it is becoming more the trend these days to not have a funeral or memorial service for the deceased. I can understand some of the reasons for this: expense, privacy, emotion, etc. But that was not my mother's request. Funerals were a part of her entire life and in death we honored her with one.
My mother did not have a service planned as some people do, but we knew what she wanted from comments over the years along with the things she chose for our father. We planned a short service that was lead by one of her friends from church. Each song had a meaning as well as each reading. I gave a 10 minute eulogy of her life that I actually made it through.
The service was upbeat, positive, and was about her. Just what we wanted and just what she would have wanted. So among the tears, I think back on her send off and I smile. Thank you, Mother, for letting us honor you in this one final way.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I was wondering if all was well with your mom since it had been awhile since you posted last. I'm sure this has been a difficult time period for you and you will continue to mourn her, I know. Thank you for sharing a painful time with us.
ReplyDeleteI have noticed that visitations/funerals have changed since I was a kid. When I was growing up, visitations would be scheduled for 2 days prior to the actual funeral and that was exhausting for the family, so I'm glad that seems to be no longer the case. Like you, though, I appreciate a service--I think it's helpful for those of us left behind to pay tribute to loved ones. For me at least, it helps with closure.
Please know that my prayers are with you.
Even though my mother had been declining for a long time, this was a sudden illness, so to speak, with just a couple of days from beginning to end. I think it was a blessing that it was quick.
DeleteWe had the visitation an hour before the service and that was good. I thought we would do something the day before, but the director said that hardly anyone does that any more. As you said, an improvement for the family.
He also said that attendance at funerals is way down (unless it is a well known person). He said in 25 years or so, and there might not funeral homes any more.
And for me also, the service helps with closure. I think they are important. But there's no right way to grieve the loss of a loved one.
It's still fairly common in my neck of the woods for a visitation the day before as well as another visitation directly before the funeral service. That's what we did for my dad. I wonder if there is a cultural aspect to it--I think in days gone by, it was a way to pay your respects but also a time to connect with others. Perhaps it is different in different parts of the country.
DeleteYou are right, there are no right or wrong ways to grieve, although I do think some sort of service is helpful for most. I know it meant a lot to me when so many people came for my dad, especially when a couple of close friends of mine made an effort to come (it was a distance for them to drive and certainly an inconvenience). I was also touched when people made contributions to my father's chosen charities. I'm hoping you feel supported by all of us online friends, as well.
Sometimes there used to be visitation for two days. We had a neighbor, an older woman who moved in from the country, who never missed a visitation. She knew almost everyone, but even if she didn't know the deceased, she was sure to know someone there. In years gone by in small towns and the country, it was a place to see your neighbors and connect.
DeleteA few years ago, I certainly never dreamed that I would have a group of online friends like I have found. I do feel supported by all of you.
I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sending you lots of ((hugs)). Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Nathalie. I've had more hugs in the past week, than I've had in the last 5 years. They are important and I think there were some from you slipped in there somewhere.
DeleteI'm sorry you lost your mother but it sounds like a peaceful death. I know from losing both my parents long ago even though we were not close that it is like now you are a ship with no home port and no anchor. Then I realized I am the home port now. At least for me, that I no longer need that root to support me, that I have others. Your mother lived a long good life it sounds like, all any of us could hope to live. Now those who loved her like you will mourn because you miss her so much. Thinking of you. Sorry about the blabbering on. I didn't know what to say for comfort.
ReplyDeleteYou are not blabbering. I appreciate all of your words and they are comforting. I know that this is a universal experience and it is good to talk to someone else who knows what it feels like.
DeleteStrayer, I thought that was a beautiful analogy. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I can understand what a difficult time this must be for you. Sending hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteLili
Thank you, Lili. Unfortunately, we all know what this is like and I know you understand the difficulties.
DeleteMy deepest sympathies on the loss of your mother. I'm glad her death was peaceful and you were able to hold a service for her. I think funeral services are an important part of the mourning process. My thoughts are prayers are with you at this time. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThank you, Bless. I think that a service is important for closure, also, so I'm glad we had one.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear of your mother's passing, but glad you got to honor her with a service. I'm not sure I really understand the whole "I don't want a funeral" thing, because I personally think that the service is for the survivors, not the person who has passed. Even if it's just a potluck dinner, I think it's important for people to be able to come together and remember the person's life.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is a little bit crazy, but when my mother passed, I took great comfort in planning the service. She and I were not at all close, but still, it gave me an opportunity to remember the things that we did share, and to say goodbye in a loving way. I also think that perhaps the whirlwind of all the preparations helped in a sort of counter-intuitive way - it gave me something to focus on other than just the loss.
I hope for your sake, and for the sake of your family, that settling the estate will be a much easier affair than it has been for us. Five years later and my brother still can't bring himself to finalize it, even though there's really nothing left to do.
Big Hugs. xoxoxo -Cat
Besides helping with closure, I think the service gave us something to focus on other than the loss, like you just said. The service went really well and my sisters and I are very happy with it. I wrote and gave a long talk/speech about my mother that went especially well. I am proud that I was able to do that for her. That makes me happy among the sorrow of the loss. Yes, I think the service helps in many different ways.
DeleteI, too, hope that the estate resolution doesn't take five years. Cleaning out the house is going to be the biggest job. There are all of our childhoods and our parents life symbolized there. We all know that they are just things, but it's going to be hard. Good luck. I hope your brother is able to let go soon. I hope he has been able to talk to someone to help him figure out a way to let go.
I was sorry to see your announcement last week.
ReplyDeleteWhen my dad died, we had a visitation or "calling hours" the day before the funeral. I was gratified, probably particularly since I haven't lived near my hometown in ages, to see everyone - not all who would be able to go to the funeral - who came out to it and who expressed their sympathies and tributes. It was nice to hear other people's memories and reflections, and I was very grateful for their expressions. Some of them truly mourned the loss and I was glad to be able to listen to and accept their grief and mourning, because it helped to assuage my own.
My mother-in-law's proceedings were all in one day, but it all was good, too; a tough day for my wife, but she also was grateful for the support and outporings on behalf of her mom. It is such a tough time, but you also see some people at their absolute best, so the impact isn't all negative.
Best wishes to you and all your family.
Like you, I haven't lived in my hometown in forever, so it was nice to hear people's memories of my parents. They told me things that I never knew. Also, I saw several of my friends that I haven't seen since high school which was fun. These times are seeing people at their best (except the big fight that happened at my aunt's visitation. That's another story.)
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