L is for Listening
 |
| Is she really listening? Or thinking about what she's going to say? |
Ward and I were at a doctor's appointment to discuss various issues. We had talked beforehand about some questions we wanted to ask. The appointment was going along well (not a doctor who rushed, yea!) and Ward asked about one of the things he had been wondering. The doctor answered the question, but didn't give the information that Ward was looking for. I waited a minute for Ward to do a follow-up and when he didn't, I jumped in.
Later, I asked Ward why he didn't follow-up and he said, "I was trying to hear everything the doctor had to say without thinking about what I was going to say next. I was going to clarify things. I just hadn't yet." Hmmm. That was exactly what I had been doing--thinking about what I was going to say next instead of giving my full attention to the doctor. That's why I was ready to jump in before Ward. In my thinking ahead, I wonder how much I missed.
After that, I started to pay attention to the way I listened. I found that most of the time, when a person was only partially through what they were saying, I was already thinking about what I was going to say next. There always seemed to be a thought triggered by one of their comments. Sometimes, I was so interested in saying what I was thinking, I had to bring the conversation back to a former topic so I could say it.
Now I knew that my mind wandered sometimes and I wasn't always a good listener. There were certain topics of discussion (say, economics or often told family stores, for example) where my mind wandered every time they come up. However, I didn't realize how much I was thinking about what I wanted to say, instead of real listening much of the time.
I think, to some degree, everyone does some partial listening. Perhaps there's a gender component to it. In general, studies have shown that women are more verbal and want more social connections than men. So thinking ahead may be a way for females to keep the conversation and connection going. There's probably more than one PhD dissertation out there on the subject, but I'll have to research that another time. Now it's time to think about the letter M.
How good of a listener are you?
.
Oh what a wonderful point to ponder! I think I am guilty of thinking ahead instead of fully digesting the message. I am going to try and listen with intent all day today just to see how much I fall short. Crap! another self improvement I need to make.
ReplyDeleteI think this is going to be a hard habit to break if it indeed need breaking. Well, maybe a little. All the males in my family are slower to respond than I am. I don't know if that's a family thing or a male thing. I'm curious about that. I have heard that females are more likely to end a sentence or comment with an up beat even if it's not a question. That signals the other person to respond. They do this (usually subconsciously) to keep the conversation going.
DeleteI've noticed the same thing about myself the past few years. It's not something I'm proud of--I'm with Anne--oh no, not more self-improvements! I think my listening skills have gotten worse over time. Maybe being a parent has affected that--sometimes I just want to run my thoughts across an adult set of ears.
ReplyDeleteI had a very humbling experience several years ago (before kids, so perhaps I've always had a problem ... ). I had worked with a patient, a delightful lady. I was telling a coworker what a great conversationalist this patient was. "What did you talk about?" asked my coworker. Then I realized ... we talked about me, and my interests. Ooops!
That lady knew exactly what she was doing. They always say to get the other person talking about themselves. It worked like a charm for her. :)
DeleteI don't get to have a lot of conversations with actual people, having few in my life. I do have conversations with myself now and then.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of conversations with myself. I don't always listen to what I'm saying either.
DeleteYou are so right about listening. I teach listening in my speech classes, but the little I do isn't enough. There's a great TED talk by Julian Treasure called "Five Ways to Listen Better." I'm terrible about anticipating what I'll say; it's something I have to work on day-to-day. Glenda from
ReplyDeleteEvolving English Teacher
You sound like a great teacher. Thanks for the info on the Ted talk. I'm going to see if I can listen to it. I mean really listen. :)
DeleteThank you for A thought-provoking post, and I am sure I fall into that same trap of thinking what I will say in response, without listening fully to the other person.
ReplyDeleteFamily History Fun
I'm still curious if the degree of this partial listening has a gender component to it. Thanks for visiting, Sue.
DeleteToo true, I think that is a common pitfall! or just how brains work... I don't know, I just know it's a challenge I also face
ReplyDeleteSo far, there are only women commenting on this. I'd like to know how men work. I asked my son and he says that he does it some, but not to the extent that I do. I'm going to have to do some more interviews.
DeleteI would have said I thought I was a pretty good listener until I read your explanation. I am very much like you, as I listen I am also planning what I am going to say in reply. You might laugh but I was planning which parts of your post I would comment about while I was reading so I'm not a very good passive reader either. :-(
ReplyDeleteNow that you mention it, I think I do that a little also when I'm reading a post. But to much less extent than when I'm talking.
Delete