Understanding changes.

My mother with her mother at high school graduation.
This picture made my mother smile during my last visit.

Recently, a doctor told me that we often leave life as we come in--not being able to do many things. A reversal of things, so to speak. As an infant, we are fed, bathed, and cuddled until we learn to take care of ourselves. This is a long process that happens step by step. For some elderly, the reverse happens. The ability to take care of themselves slowly leaves step by step. They eventually need help with eating, bathing, and walking. In many ways, they are much like an infant.

That is what is happening to my mother. Each time I visit her, I find that she needs help with something else. She has progressed to the point where she needs help with nearly every aspect of her daily life including moving, eating, and talking. And at each visit, I am saddened to not see the mother I once knew. The intelligent, hard-working woman who was always helping someone.

But that sadness does not persist. Partly, because I now view her changes as a normal part of life thanks to the wise words from the doctor. And partly, even though she interacts differently, she lets us know that she is still the same person that she has always been. For example, once a nurse, always a nurse.* She still watches all interactions between the residents and the staff with eagle eyes and gets attention when she sees someone who needs help. She doesn't talk much, but she uses non-verbal communication like a pro. When my sister and I were having a photo session with her, she rolled her eyes with the best of them as our antics got sillier and sillier. Much like she used to when we were younger. She still enjoys singing hymns and will sometimes sing along even though she may have only said a few words the rest of the day. And the list goes on.

However, the most important reason I don't remain upset is that my mother is still happy. Her life has changed drastically, but she still finds pleasure in her every day life. She enjoys a good piece of cornbread and crisp slice of bacon. She enjoys a friendly hello and a warm smile. She enjoys a soft sweater and a new hairdo. And she enjoys the feel of warm sunshine. Those are things that also make me happy.

Years ago when I first heard about dementia and how it robbed people of their mind and abilities, I thought it was the most horrible thing that could happen to someone. I could barely let the thought of it enter my mind before I had to banish it because I found it so upsetting. But my mother has shown me differently. She has taught me there is value to life even when it is not lived in a big way. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't grieve for the mother I once knew, but I am more accepting than I ever thought I could be. Thanks, Mom, for teaching me another important lesson in life.

*My mother retired as a nurse from the very hospital unit she is now living in. Some of the people she trained are now caring for her.

Note: This post is focused on mother, but I had similar experiences with my father. Another day, I will tell you about his last years.