Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Understanding changes.

My mother with her mother at high school graduation.
This picture made my mother smile during my last visit.
Recently, a doctor told me that we often leave life as we come in--not being able to do many things. A reversal of things, so to speak. As an infant, we are fed, bathed, and cuddled until we learn to take care of ourselves. This is a long process that happens step by step. For some elderly, the reverse happens. The ability to take care of themselves slowly leaves step by step. They eventually need help with eating, bathing, and walking. In many ways, they are much like an infant.

That is what is happening to my mother. Each time I visit her, I find that she needs help with something else. She has progressed to the point where she needs help with nearly every aspect of her daily life including moving, eating, and talking. And at each visit, I am saddened to not see the mother I once knew. The intelligent, hard-working woman who was always helping someone.

But that sadness does not persist. Partly, because I now view her changes as a normal part of life thanks to the wise words from the doctor. And partly, even though she interacts differently, she lets us know that she is still the same person that she has always been. For example, once a nurse, always a nurse.* She still watches all interactions between the residents and the staff with eagle eyes and gets attention when she sees someone who needs help. She doesn't talk much, but she uses non-verbal communication like a pro. When my sister and I were having a photo session with her, she rolled her eyes with the best of them as our antics got sillier and sillier. Much like she used to when we were younger. She still enjoys singing hymns and will sometimes sing along even though she may have only said a few words the rest of the day. And the list goes on.

However, the most important reason I don't remain upset is that my mother is still happy. Her life has changed drastically, but she still finds pleasure in her every day life. She enjoys a good piece of cornbread and crisp slice of bacon. She enjoys a friendly hello and a warm smile. She enjoys a soft sweater and a new hairdo. And she enjoys the feel of warm sunshine. Those are things that also make me happy.

Years ago when I first heard about dementia and how it robbed people of their mind and abilities, I thought it was the most horrible thing that could happen to someone. I could barely let the thought of it enter my mind before I had to banish it because I found it so upsetting. But my mother has shown me differently. She has taught me there is value to life even when it is not lived in a big way. I'd be lying if I said that I didn't grieve for the mother I once knew, but I am more accepting than I ever thought I could be. Thanks, Mom, for teaching me another important lesson in life.

*My mother retired as a nurse from the very hospital unit she is now living in. Some of the people she trained are now caring for her.

Note: This post is focused on mother, but I had similar experiences with my father. Another day, I will tell you about his last years.





18 comments:

  1. This is such a sweet post about a difficult situation. Thank you !

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    1. It is a difficult situation that has been evolving over several years. This is the way I've learned to look at things so I won't be upset all of the time.

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  2. (((HUGS))) It is a very difficult stage in life, but I am glad to hear that your mother is happy and is still teaching you about life. It sounds like your mother is being well looked after and that is a wonderful thing.

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    1. She is getting good care. Not only are they good where she lives, she has a helper who comes in every day who is very good and my mother loves like a daughter. This helps put our minds at ease since no family lives close by. We honored my mother's wishes and did not move her in with one of my sisters or me.

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  3. L&L, I have much to learn from you. I struggled with my father's dementia and I am struggling currently with my mother's sudden loss of vision. I have been the confidante of both regarding their sadness at their decreasing function and I find I feel emotionally tapped out. Oddly, although I was sad and grieved when my father died, I felt a sense of relief that he was released from his body--mourning his death was easier for me than watching the decline. I guess we are all wired differently and I wish I felt like you do (I know in my head that, at age 87, my mom's health declines are inevitable) but it's hard to accept emotionally.

    I am glad you are feeling a sense of peace with your mother and I am glad she is getting such fantastic care. That goes a long way to set your mind at ease.

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    1. I think we are wired more alike than you think. It's been a long, hard journey and only now am I reaching acceptance. I wouldn't exactly call it peace, but I am able to accept this is a natural part of life. Your mother's vision loss is recent and you will get better with it as time goes on. Each time my mother enters a new phase, it takes a bit before I can be okay with it. The hardest part is accepting that I can't do anything to change things. But when I can internalize that, I deal with things much better.

      Sending hugs your way for your mother, you, and your family.

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    2. Yes, you have a point. I am feeling more accepting of where mom is now than I was a month ago. So much of what she loves to do involves vision (baking, reading ... ) and we are making strides in alternatives but it takes time to meet with all the professionals and do what needs to be done. Some of my frustration is in dealing with my siblings--actually, that's more stressful than the medical situations. I'm working on accepting who they are as well as asking for specific help so that I'm not constantly swamped. Easier said than done. I think I'm so used to being around people who "get it", both at work as well as around my husband, that when I'm around people who don't understand what needs to take priority (or who are living in the land of denial ... ) I feel like banging my head against a wall.

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    3. I am very lucky that all of my siblings and I work well together. We sometimes butt heads when we have a different idea about how to handle something, but overall, we are a good team. We have divided up different categories that we are each responsible for. It's all written down, so it is clear what each of our responsibilities are. For example, I handle insurance and taxes and am the medical power of attorney. Another sister, handles the bank accounts and bill paying while another manages the business that employs her helper. (We're doing everything above board as far as that goes.) And the list goes on. Of course, we consult with each other on most decisions. We also have meetings when my sister who lives away is in town, and have phone conferences to make sure that we're all still on the same page. As time goes on, things have changed, so it's important that we keep up with them. I know that I am very lucky, and I also know that being almost business-like with our duties has helped.

      Good luck. Family dynamics can be very difficult to deal with. I wish you luck with either more cooperation from your siblings or more acceptance from you that you aren't going to get it.

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  4. CatMan lost his mother to Alzheimer's and for years he feared greatly that he might suffer the same fate. But then he had a realization very similar to the words of that doctor. We were all once helpless as infants. For some reason that I don't understand, dementia is one thing that doesn't scare me. I guess since I spent a large portion of my childhood living in a fantasy world of my own creation, I tend to see being cut off from the outside world as a "safe refuge" rather than a horrible prison.

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    1. You have a very interesting perspective on dementia. I've never heard of anyone who doesn't fear it except you.

      No one really knows what is happening in the brain. Even when, communication becomes difficult to the point of unresponsiveness, I truly believe there's more going on than we realize. In some experiments, pleasure centers are lighting up in the brain when a happy movie or song is played even though there is no outward expression of this. This is why I make every effort to communicate with my mother.

      Actually she taught me this. When she worked on the long term care unit that she is on now, when she had a minute she would go into the rooms of the people who weren't able to interact much and talk to them and read to them. When the family was in the room and talking negatively as if the person wasn't there, my mother would make them leave and take their conversation elsewhere because she believed they could feel the mood even if they didn't understand the words. She wasn't always popular because of this, but she was always trying to do what was best for the patient.

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    2. I would have loved working with your mom!

      For Nathalie and anyone else ... I don't know about all of you, but I feel better when I try to do what I can to keep my body and brain functioning as well as possible for as long as possible--good exercise and eating habits, social outings, learning new things, all that stuff that we know intuitively is good for us is also backed by science.

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    3. I think your mom was totally right. Just because one cannot communicate, it doesn't mean nothing is going on inside. Apparently I am an odd duck not fearing dementia. I guess I've just never found much to convince me that the outside world had much more to offer than the inner one.

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  5. Lots of ((HUGS)). You're handling this very tough situation with a lot of grace and your mom is lucky to have you to watch over her and take care of her in the twilight of her years. I'm glad she still gets enjoyment out of life. It's gotta be really tough for her, having worked on the same ward and knowing full well what's ahead. Not that she can do anything about it, but I'd imagine it makes it even tougher to live through, while she's still aware.

    For some reason I've been slightly obsessed with reading about dementia and Alzheimer's (along with watching documentaries about it) for several years. I guess I'm convinced that it's what will happen to me too, even though I don't think we have a family history of it. But it all has to start somewhere and studies have shown that record numbers of senior citizens are being diagnosed with either of those conditions and the numbers will continue to grow although no one seems to know what's causing them.

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    1. I think one of the reasons that the numbers are continuing to grow is that as a whole we are living longer, so more there are more chances to get it. They are making strides in research, but there's a long way to go. It used to be that the only way they could study your brain was to examine it after you died. That's still the way they get some information, however, there are brain imaging tools now that are helping a lot with our understanding. I'm hoping by the time I might be affected, they've come up with some successful treatments. They'd better hurry because I'm not getting any younger.

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  6. You would probably enjoy John Leland's book Happiness is a Choice We Make. Your mother's responses embody that and reflect some of what Leland saw in his year with six aged adults above eighty or so.

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    1. Thanks for the recommendation. I'll put that on my list. Sounds like it would be a good read for everyone. I've really gotten an appreciation for the elderly since I have been visiting my mother regularly at her nursing home and enjoy their company even when they are not quite in the same "world" that I'm in.

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  7. I fear that stage in my own life because I don't have any family. I want my life to end quickly, once I can't care for myself. Your love for your mom and acceptance of life's inevitable end is expressed with great empathy and devotion.

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    1. You have devoted yourself selflessly to helping cats who can't help themselves. I feel like there will be others out there who will help you when you need it. Also, in the meantime, you may acquaint yourself with the many resources there are out for people who need help with some daily activities whether it be grocery shopping or bathing. That may ease you mind a bit in case you ever need them.

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What do you think?