I generally try to be positive on my blog, so it's been hard for me to write a post recently. Below are some ramblings to explain why. Sort of a stream of consciousness.
I am weary. But just not because of the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Life keeps marching on and it's not giving me much time to rest. My mother had a fall which resulted in some broken bones. This has brought a whole new set of difficult issues about her care. And while that was going on, we found out that a close family member's cancer has returned. Add the continual intensive care of a declining cat, and as I said, I am weary.
Christmas can be a fun, joyous time, but for many it's a time of mixed emotions. It's often a time that bittersweet memories of the past are the most intense. Whether it's the first or 30th time of celebrating the holidays without a loved one, it's a difficult time. Thoughts of Ward's sister, who passed away in May, are ever present in the family's mind with both sadness and a determination to Ethool (Enjoy The Heck Out Of Life) as she so wonderfully did despite the adversities she was facing.
Okay, I'm really depressing myself. Time to switch gears. Yes, life goes on and there are ups and downs to it. We have to accept what we can't change and celebrate the gifts we are given each day. For example, the weather has been warm, and I finished one of the gifts I was making and got it in the mail. I had a great holiday party at work where I saw a coworker who has been too ill to come to work for a few months. She's getting better. Our tree is decorated and lights are beautiful at night. I have enough money to pay all of my bills, and I saw a cardinal yesterday. The list is endless when I take time to focus on the positive.
I hope if you are weary this holiday season, it's because you stayed up too late wrapping presents and you're worrying about when you're going to have time to bake the cookies for the neighbors. But if you're weary because life is difficult right now, I hope you are able to rest a little so you can remember some of the things that are a blessing.
I'm so sorry this is a difficult season for you. I will pray for emotional, as well as physical, rest for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support. Not all is bad, but sometimes it's the bad stuff that seems to be in forefront of my thoughts.
DeleteI've sort of gotten used to the holidays without family, usually alone. I have coping methods, like not watching holiday specials or movies and not going to holiday decorated stores. I hope you get some rest. There is nothing like adequate rest that makes a person feel ready to meet the world with its good and bad. Good wishes to you and yours and to your mother. Declining is no fun for a cat or a human nor those who love and care for them.
ReplyDeleteYou're right. Rest and taking care of yourself is a very important part of coping with whatever comes along. It makes me sad that you will be alone for the holidays, but it sounds like you've come to terms with it and figured out what works for you. Even if you will be "alone", you will really be surrounded by all of those grateful kitties.
DeleteOY! I can so totally relate to this. The past few years it just seems like it's been an endless dance with the grim reaper... friends, family, pets, neighbors... you name it. And, as much as this sounds crazy or selfish or something, dealing with the loss is almost easier than dealing with the buildup to the loss, if that makes any sense. It's just so hard to handle the constant worry, not to mention the feeling that EVERYTHING is a life or death decision. Then you pile on top of that the time and energy it takes to just deal with the day to day realities of caring for an ailing pet or loved one, and it all can just feel overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteYesterday when I was out shoveling snow, I saw some paw prints under the big pine tree in my yard, and my first thought was "Oh God... it's another homeless cat." I just totally lost it - sobbing and crying and exclaiming that I just can't take any more right now. Thankfully it turned out to be a squirrel, not a cat, but clearly, my emotions are pretty frazzled at this point.
Anyhow, I am trying very hard to stay focused on what's right in front of me at this very minute, and when I can do that I'm OK. Right here, right now everything is fine. I'm safe and warm, Jasper is in my lap, Smoky is having a snack... there are no kitties freezing in my yard, my loved ones are all OK for the moment, and those that are no longer here are in a better place. I mean when you get right down to it, the current moment is all there ever really is. Yes... there may be horribleness in the recent past, and more to come in the near future, but if I can just stay focused on right now, I'll be OK. I actually did yoga this morning for the first time in forever, and it felt amazing - yoga really helps me to stay focused and "in the minute."
That's my strategy anyhow!
You know I'm not religious, but I'm sending you and your loved ones all of my best wishes and healing energy. I think I'm gonna go have some nice hot tea and snuggle under a blanket for a while.
Big Hugs,
xoxoxoxo,
-Cat
Funny you should say that--I, too, felt like dealing with mourning my dad's death was less stressful than the care needed leading up to his death. He had declined so much the last year of his life that I think I began my mourning process long before he actually died.
DeleteGlad you are able to take moments to enjoy where you are in life right now.
The present is the key. Although it's not always possible to stay totally focused in the present, you can't spend too much time in the past or in the future. I'm trying to practice that as well as look at my glass as half full instead of half empty. And most of the time I do okay.
DeleteKris - I'm so sorry about your Dad, but I totally know what you mean. When it's long and drawn out like that, there's almost a sense of relief that accompanies the actual loss. Not relief that they're gone, but relief that the ordeal is finally over.
DeleteAnd June, I heard a good one yesterday... "People who worry about whether the glass is half full or half empty are missing the point - the glass is refillable!"
I haven't heard that one. I'll have to use it sometime.
DeleteI am so sorry for the health problems your family members are facing and hope your mother heals soon. I too have felt out of touch with my normally optimistic personality just too much going on and worrying about family who are going through hard times.
ReplyDeleteBut you are right, I have so much to be thankful for. Starting with my health, the health of those closest to me, and the love of friends and family. I have a roof over my head, interesting hobbies I can pursue and so on. Life is good. We were never promised a life of ease or all perfect days.
Cat said it best above when she said we are looking at the glass half full the wrong way, "the glass is refillable." With that I'm going to try and get a good night's sleep and start tomorrow off with the right mindset.
Lois, I'm sorry that you are also worrying about the hard times around you. You're right. We were never promised a life of ease. You understand that better than most.
DeleteYou have set a good example of moving on and making the best of things. I'm going to try to follow your actions.
I am so sorry for all you are facing. We are dealing with our first Christmas without Dad and as sad as it is for us, Mom is finding it unbearable. Sadly for my sister and me the only way she knows how to deal with her loss is to lash out as the two people in her world who are trying to help her. It gets weary (the best word BTW) feeling like a failure for not anticipating whatever need Mom is going to have next. I know we have to endure this time and I know it will get better, but that does not make the now any easier.
ReplyDeleteFortunately for all of us there is a coming ray of sunshine. My newly 2 year old granddaughter arrives Monday for the week. She is some seriously needed mood medicine!
One thing my sister reminded me of recently is sometimes the only way through something is through it. Meaning, there are some things we just have to do and there's no way to short circuit them. However, we will come out the other side. As you said, you will too.
DeleteMy mother has some dementia now and she keeps reliving my father's death like it happened yesterday. It's that fresh in her mind even though it's been two and a half years. It's hard on everyone when the emotions are stirred up that way.
I'm so happy that your granddaughter is coming. Hopefully she will change your mother's mood somewhat and if she doesn't, I know she will certainly be the ray of sunshine the rest of you need.
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ReplyDeleteI always enjoy the humorous honesty in your Christmas letters. Truth be told, yours and Anne Holliday's are my favorite to read! It's so awesome that you have a blog because of your gift for writing & insight on life - a rare gift indeed.
ReplyDeleteMy dad passed away on October 30. Although he was 88, it was very unexpected. I did get to say goodbye but he was sedated and on a ventilator. I am very grateful for the week or so I had to spend with him, even though he never woke up. They took him off the vent and in an hour it was clear he wouldn't make it. My brother ( a nurse) and stepmother stayed until he passed.
I honestly think that you don't truly realize how much you love someone until they are gone.
I too am weary despite the many blessings I have, especially my grandchildren. My best friend and "prayer partner" talk once a week. We are both psychologists and moms. Our favorite saying is, "Let's run away!" LOL. I'm sure you can relate! I will pray and am confident that God will sustain you during this season in life. Much Love, Kathy
Kathy,
DeleteI reposted your comment and took out a couple of names for additional anonymity.